Literal Bible Translation Project
I thought it would be a fun idea to make a literal translation of all the books of the King James Bible. Of course, with my attention span so cripplingly short, I was only able to summarize two of the books: Genesis and Leviticus. This translation is how I would imagine the bible would read if it were spoken in today's language and told as if the events in the bible really did happen and had absolutely zero historical meaning. This literal translation sucks out all the metaphoric wisdom and leaves the reader with the bare bones translation of the words that were actually printed. What results is (I think, anyways) a hilarious retelling of a famous, old story. Each chapter is given a title that describes it and usually a brief summary.
Genesis
Chapter 1 - God creates the heavens and the earth in 6 days.
2. Vacation
He rests for some reason on the 7th day. God made man from dirt and let him name all the animals and told him not to eat from the knowledge tree or he will die (eventually). God made woman from Adam’s rib (Adam had to be put to sleep for this medical procedure) since there was a dirt shortage apparently.
3. Ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger
The serpent tricks Eve into eating from the special tree and it goes to shit for mankind. God makes childbirth for Eve a pain, and he makes it hard for Adam to farm. Before God kicks them out of the garden, he makes them some clothes.
4. Cain and Abel
Adam and Eve have some kids, and they then make sacrifices to God. For some reason, God likes Abel’s offering but not Cain’s. Cain gets pissed and kills Abel. Cain is in trouble, he’s a vagabond now, and he finds a wife somewhere magically. Some begetting goes down and Adam and Eve have Seth.
5. A bunch of begets
6. God commissions the Noah’s Ark Project.
7-9. The Ark Arc (The great reset)
It’s funny how the process of wiping out the earth takes well over 6 months when he made it all to begin with in 6 days. Oh well.
10. More begets than illegals at an egg farm
11. Tower of Babel
God sees the tower people are building and doesn’t like that they all speak the same language. He splits everyone into separate countries and languages for NO REASON. Chapter 11 is very short and gives no reasons for this retarded move. Half of the chapter is begets, so the story is not even half a page.
12. Abram Gets Free Land
On a whim, God tells this descendant of Noah that he can have some free land and be a king. Abram gets his land then wanders into Egypt. He tricks the pharaoh into thinking his wife is his sister and he gets a shit load of free animals, food, and gold for hooking the pharaoh up. God then dumps a plague on Egypt to punish the pharaoh for doing Abram’s wife. The pharaoh says to Abram, “What the fuck, dude? Get out of Egypt.” So they go back to their land with a bunch of free shit.
13. Domestic Dispute
Abram and Lot decide to split up because their crews are using up the land too fast. Lot decides to take the entire country of Jordan. God says Abram and his kids can have everything.
14. World War 1
A bunch of kingdom vs. kingdom smiting goes down here. Lot gets kidnapped, Abram gets pissed and rides in with his merry men all Braveheart-like and takes out the bad guys. The kings of Sodom and Gomorah praise him and offer him stuff but he says, “No thanks. I’m good.”
15. Bad Trip
This one is a tough read. I think what went on here is Abram was wondering to God, “Okay, you said I’m getting all this stuff, so where is it?” God tells him it’s all good, and says take some animals, chop them up, and I’ll get you high. Abram does this and has a vision. He’s told that his kid will inherit the land, but he’ll be in another country for a while and things will be tough, but ride it out and you’ll die old and happy and your kid will get everything just like we planned.
16. Hagar is a Girl’s Name
Abram’s wife Sarai is barren as the Sahara, so she tells Abram to do the handmaid, Hagar, so he can have kids. Hagar gets pregnant, pisses off Sarai, and runs away. Some angel finds Hagar and tells her to go back. The angel says her son will be Ishmael and will be crazy.
17. Penis Fetish
God lays down some instructions for Abram. God tells him to make sure he circumcises himself as well as all boys born from now on as a “token of the covenant betwixt me and you.” God does some name changing at this point to keep the readers on their toes. Abram is now Abraham and his wife, Sarai, is now Sarah. God makes it so Sarah can have kids now as an added bonus. Then there is much penis carving.
18. Jews Love to Haggle
God shows up at Abraham’s place and delivers the news to Sarah that she’s going to have a kid even though she’s old. Then God says some shit’s going to go down over in Sodom and Gomorah. Abe asks God if he would spare the cities if there were at least 50 righteous people in it. God agrees. Then he asks if there are 45 there, will he spare it. God says fine. 40? Fine. 30? Fine. 20? Fine! 10? Fine!! God leaves before Abe can bargain his way down to nothing.
19. Incest is the Best
Two angels show up in Sodom and Lot takes them in. The people of the town, wanting to know who these people are, start banging on Lot’s door. Lot offers them his two virgin daughters to leave them alone. They’d rather do the dudes! They try to break in. The angels blind everyone. They then tell Lot that some shit’s about to go down and he and his family need to leave, and they are not allowed to look back at the town while it’s being blown up. Lot takes his wife and two daughters and they flee. His wife turns around, looks at the city, and gets turned into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters head toward a city called Zoar, but Lot says, “Fuck Zoar. Let’s live in a cave in the mountains.”
Now here’s where it gets weird. While living in the cave, Lot’s two daughters are concerned that since there aren’t any men up here they won’t be able to have kids. They come up with the brilliant idea to get their father drunk and each takes turns screwing him. They each get sons from their father.
20. Playa Hatin’
Abraham pulls the “my wife is my sister” bullshit again on the king of Gerar. God comes down ready to smite Gerar, but he says to God, “I haven’t touched her, and they both told me they were siblings, so what the fuck?!” God says, “Alright, just give her back to him, and I’ll make it so all your females can have children again.” Needless to say, the king of Gerar is pretty pissed. He calls Abe to his throne and they talk:
King: What the fuck, Abe?
Abe: I thought if I told you she was my wife you’d kill me. Besides, you didn’t have the fear of God in you. Also, she really is my sister… sister in LAW! HAHAHA!
King: Here, have 1,000 silver and a bunch of animals.
Abe: heh… 8)
21. The Bitch is Back
Sarah has that kid God was talking about and calls him Isaac. Hagar stops by to say hi, but Sarah throws a fit and Hagar runs away again. They get lost in the woods, she runs out of water for Ishmael, but God rescues her. Her son grows up to be like a tarzan “boy of the forest” thing. Meanwhile, Abraham makes a pact with some dude named Abimelech. Abraham then plants a bush.
22. Take my son, please
God wants to test Abraham, so he tells him to pack his shit and take his son Isaac up to a mountain where he is to sacrifice him. Abraham “saddled his ass” and heads out. A touching moment passes when Isaac asks his father, “Hey. Where’s the lamb we’re going to be sacrificing?” Abe tells him not to worry about it.
He then takes Isaac, binds him to the wood, and prepares to cut him open. Lo! An angel appears and says, “Fooled ya! Use that ram over there instead.” Abe is rewarded for his obedience and fear by having his “seed” multiplied again.
23. Real Estate
Abe buys a cave and a field to bury his now dead wife in for 400 silver. (That’s about 16 8-slot bags on WoW)
24. Get My Son Laid
This was a funny chapter in how it was laid out. Abraham sends a servant out to find his son, Isaac, a wife. He says when you find a chick with a bottle of water and she lets you drink the water and your camels drink the water, that’ll be the one. This happens and the servant gives Rebekah some jewelry and asks to come over. When he’s there, he basically repeats word for word what happened in the last 8 verses. “He said that I should find the one with the water, and I found one with the water, and the water was found be me, and she, being the one with the water, was found carrying the water. Then, I asked her for the water, which she was asked for the water, which…”
This chapter could’ve been done in about half a page.
25. Brotherly Love
Isaac and Rebekah try for kids, but they find out she’s barren too. They call up to the Lord’s tech support and get her right again. She ends up having twins, but with an interesting twist. God says the two kids in her belly are going to run two different nations, and that the older one will end up working for the younger one. Esau and Jacob are born respectively and grow.
One day, Esau becomes faint (due to malnutrition or something) and asks his brother for food. Jacob, being a savvy business Jew, says he’ll give him food if he signs over his birthright to him. Esau has no choice, and signs it over.
26. Like Father, Like Son
Isaac goes to Gerar and tries that “my wife is my sister” shit on the king again. He buys it for a while, but then he finds out the truth. Tired of being made the fool, the king of Gerar says, “Get the fuck out of my land. Your family keeps pulling this shit on me, and if someone would’ve slept with your wife, we would all be dead.” (Since Isaac is blessed, he’s protected from his family being befouled or something.)
Isaac leaves, and the Philistines start filling all the wells Abraham dug with dirt because they’re pissed. Isaac lives in the wilderness for a bit and talks to God. The king of Gerar sees this and comes out to Isaac and offers a truce. They make up and become friends again.
27. Brotherly Love Part 2
Isaac is old and about to die. He wants some venison one more time before he goes, so he sends his son Esau out to get some. Rebekah hears this and gets their son Jacob to go out and get some goat meat and pretend to be Esau. When Jacob returns with the food, he pretends to be Esau in front of Isaac who is old and can’t see. He successfully tricks him into giving him a blessing that gives him all the cool shit (a kingdom, servants, etc). When Esau comes with the real stuff, he finds out he just got screwed. His dad only has a half-ass blessing left in him. Esau gets to work for Jacob, but he’ll get the kingdom too… someday. Rebekah tells Jacob he better split because his brother is mega pissed right now. She’ll send for him when Esau forgets about it.
28. Ladder to Heaven
Jacob gets blessed and finds some girls from a town Isaac approves of. Esau does the opposite. Jacob falls asleep and dreams about a ladder that angels are going up and down on. God is at the top and lets him know he’s there. Jacob stacks some rocks together and calls it the house of God.
29. Two for the Price of One
Jacob wanders around and finds a herd of sheep and hangs out with some people there. He falls in love with Rachel, the daughter of this guy, Laban, who owned the sheep. Jacob made a deal with Laban that he’d work 7 years in exchange for Rachel to be his wife. They agreed, but after the 7 years was up, on the wedding night, they slipped Laban’s other daughter, Leah, in instead.
Jacob says, “Hey! I wanted your other daughter.”
Laban says, “You can’t have the older one until you have the younger one. Work for us one more week and you can have both.”
Jacob says, “aww yeah!”
So Jacob gets 2 wives, but because he loved Rachel more than Leah, God threw in a quirk that made Rachel barren but Leah fertile. Leah had 4 kids thinking that each one would make him love her, but I don’t think he did. She loved God instead.
30. Mother by Proxy
Rachel, being upset that she’s as fertile as a block of ice, tells Jacob to do the handmaid. By her logic, doing this will bear her some sons, even though they came out of the maid. The maid has some kids, and Rachel chalks it up as a victory against her sister. Leah fights back by having Jacob do her maid and have sons. (That bitch!)
Later, Reuben (a son by Leah) finds some mandrakes in a field and gives them to Leah. Rachel wants some. Leah says, “F off.” Rachel trades sleeping with Jacob that night for some mandrakes.
Rachel and Leah pop kids out at each other for a while.
Afterwards, Jacob wants to leave. Laban, father of the brides, asks him to take care of his flock of sheep and goats. Jacob does some genetic engineering to create stronger cattle and more with spots and stripes.
31. You Crossed the Line
Jacob is pissed that Laban has been jerking him around. He’s been tending his flocks for a total of 20 years, and Laban keeps changing his wage, so Jacob decides to leave. He packs up his wives, kids, flocks, and all and they split under cover of night. Laban finds out and goes in pursuit mode. God comes to Laban on the way and tells him not to fuck Jacob up.
Upon catching up to Jacob, Laban and he bicker over who owns what. They agree to disagree and form a pile of rocks that work as a fence of sort. Laban says you don’t come on my side, and I won’t come on your side.
32. Oh Crap
Once Jacob gets back to his homeland, he sends people out to find his brother Esau so that he might make peace. He gets word back that Esau’s coming alright…with 400 men. “Aww shit,” thinks Jacob, and he starts to divide his stuff so that the people not directly involved will live if the shit hits the fan.
Jacob has an idea to hook his brother up with a shitload of animals as a gift. He lines up herds behind herds each run by a servant. Jacob tells them when they meet Esau to tell him that each herd is a gift for him and that Jacob is at the back of the line.
After everyone went ahead and Jacob was alone, some mystery man starts wrestling with Jacob. This guy calls Jacob Israel and touches his inner thigh for some reason. Now, children of Israel are not allowed the “sinew” upon the hollow of the thigh. I still have no idea what the hell just happened here.
33. Brotherly Love Part 3
The brothers meet. Esau and Jacob make up and everything is cool again. Esau goes to Seir and Jacob pitches a tent outside the city of Shalem.
34. Family Business
Jacob had a daughter through Leah named Dinah. This guy named Shechem (son of Hamor, the prince of this town Shalem), goes and fucks her. Bad move. Jacob and his bros are pissed.
Shechem comes to meet with Jacob and asks to be wed to Dinah for defiling her. Jacob and his family say, “Alright, but all the men in your town and you must be circumcised like us.” Shechem agrees.
Three days after all the man cut their dicks (they’re still sore), Jacob and all his brothers ride into town and slaughter everyone including Shechem and Hamor! He ransacks the place taking all their money, cattle, etc.
Jacob realizes he’s in some shit now, but his brothers have his back. They say, “Would you rather we ransack a town or our sister be called a slut? Forget about it!”
35. Balls Full of Kings
The Jacob clan all head to the city of Luz, which Jacob renames Bethel. God gives Jacob a new name: Israel. He also informs Izzy that his balls are full of kings. Rachel has another son, Benjamin, but dies during labor. She’s buried in a new place called Bethlehem. The rest of the group go back to see Isaac before he dies, and Israel and Esau bury him together.
36. Esau Back-story
This chapter just tells about Esau’s extended family (beget, beget, beget). Esau is the father of the Edomites and had a bunch of kings and dukes for sons.
37. I Had a Dream
Joseph is Jacob’s favorite son, and he made his son a coat of many colors (Dolly Parton get out of my head!). Joseph is kind of like Leonardo in Ninja Turtles in that he tries to act like the leader, but no one seems to give a shit. That coat didn’t help his already sketchy rep with his siblings any either.
Joe has a dream one night about “binding sheaves.” His sheaf is the best and his siblings’ sheaves all circle his and bow down to him. He shares this dreams with his brethren, to which they reply, “What’s wrong with you? We’re supposed to bow down to you now or something? F you in the A.” He has another dream where the sun, moon, and stars all circle and answer to him. He shares this dream with everyone, too. Jacob pipes up on this one. “What are we? Some kinda clowns here for your amusement? Huh? How am I funny to you exactly?”
So the other kids go feed their animals. Joe wants to join them, but they’ve run off to Dothan (to the arcade or something). He follows them, but they see him approach in the distance.
The siblings decide first to kill him (since it’s the style of the times apparently). Upon reflection, they decide to just rip his cool coat off and drop him in a pit in the forest. They do so and are sitting around the pit reminiscing of when they threw him in the pit when a group of Ishmeelites from Gilead heading to Egypt happened by. The band of brothers decides to hoist Joe out of the hole and sell him to the merchants. They sell him for 20 silver (a bargain, really).
On the way back home, they dip the remains of the coat in goats blood and show it to Isaac and tell him he’s dead. Isaac mourns and mourns.
38. Judah gets Punk’d
Judah, one of Isaac’s sons, marries a chick and has a kid named Er. God didn’t like the kid and killed it. That sucked because Judah had already picked out a wife for Er. They then had another kid named Onan. Judah told Onan that he could have Er’s wife-to-be (hand-me-downs, am I right, folks?). Onan didn’t want to have a kid through Er’s wife because he thought it wouldn’t be his own. So when Onan was about to nut, he squirted it on the ground (or possibly the small of her back). God had him smote for that. Judah tells this twice struck-out woman, “You know what? Fuck this. Go home and be a widow until my 3rd son grows up, then we’ll try again.”
Meanwhile, Judah goes and tends some sheep. Tamar is bored, so she takes off her widow gear and equips her “slut” gear (veil covering the face) and heads down to where Judah is. He sees this harlot and proceeds to offer her a signet, bracelets, his staff, and a goat for a quickie around the corner. After they do it, he goes to his house to get the whore her money, but when he returns, she’s gone! He asks his friends & family, “Did you see a hooker go by here?” No one saw her.
She eventually came clean about the whole thing, and they all had a good laugh. She ended up with twins.
39. The Pool Boy
Joseph gets a good job in Egypt taking care of this rich dude’s house and flocks. He’s really good to the guy, and the guy gives him anything he wants. Eventually, the guy’s wife starts hitting on Joe. He says, “Look. Your husband gave me everything, but he never gave me you, so hands off.”
This bitch won’t take no for an answer. One day when all the men are away from the house, she tries one more time to seduce him. He says no and runs away, but in the process, he drops his “garment.” She calls the law and tells them he tried to rape her and shit. They buy it and throw Joe in jail. God was still with Joe (just busy doing taxes or something) so the jail keeper was ultra nice to him.
40. The Butler, the Baker, the Prophecy Maker
The king of Egypt has his head butler and baker thrown in jail with Joseph for something (it doesn’t elaborate as to what). They start hanging out. The butler has a dream one night that he sees a grape vine grow ripe with grapes. He takes the grapes and squeezes them into the pharaoh’s cup and the pharaoh drinks it. Joe says this means you’re going to get your job back in a few days. The baker then says he also had a dream. In this one, he’s carrying three baskets full of stuff for the pharaoh, but birds keep flying down and picking at it. Joe says it means he’s gonna get hanged in a few days and the birds represent birds picking at his flesh.
Joe’s prophecies turn out true, and he makes a request of the butler (since the baker’s a corpse now). He asks the butler to mention his name to the pharaoh so that he might get out of there (they didn’t get bathroom breaks back then, you know). The butler agrees.
The butler forgets.
41. Corn Eat Corn World
The king of Egypt has some dreams this time. One’s about 7 fat fish that get eaten by 7 sickly fish, then the other is about 7 ears of corn that get eaten by 7 sickly ears of corn (yes, the corn eats the corn). The pharaoh’s magicians can’t figure them out. That butler finally remembers Joseph and mentions to the king that he can figure out dreams, so he is sent for. Joe says these dreams mean there’s going to be 7 years of good food followed by 7 years of famine, and he had 2 dreams because it was a “double warning.” Joe suggests they take the food from the 7 good years and store some for the 7 bad years.
The pharaoh goes ape shit over this news and makes Joseph Egypt’s #2 man, giving him anything he wants. Joe also has some kids. When the famine strikes, the storerooms are full of grain and stuff, and Egypt corners the market on food.
42. Payback’s a Bitch
Come the famine, Jacob up in Canaan hears there’s food in Egypt; so he sends his sons, minus Benjamin, down to get some. They go and meet Joseph, but Joe disguises himself to them since they fucked with him, and that’s why he’s here in the first place. He accuses the brothers of being spies and tells them to fuck off. He throws them in jail to mess with them a bit, but after a few days, he sends them home with all the food they need. He also slips their money back in the food bags. If they come back, they’re to also bring the youngest brother, Ben.
43. Go Get Yer Dad Some Smokes
The Jacob family runs out of food again, so it’s time to head back to the store (Egypt). He tells his sons to take with them the money they were supposed to pay last time, just in case there was a clerical error and Egypt wants to whoop the shit out of them for the “dine and dash.” This time, all the sons go.
When they get there, Joseph (still in disguise to them) invites them to his house, and they feast. Apparently the youngest son, Ben, is a slob and eats 5 times what everyone else eats.
44. Shoplifting
To further fuck with his brothers, when he sends them on their way with full loads of grain (and their money), he has someone slip a silver cup into Benjamin’s bag. On their way out of town, some guards on suspicion of stealing stop them. They cry bullshit, but when they check the bags they find that cup. Oh shit. They go back to Joseph and plead with him not to take Ben, because Jacob had told them if they didn’t come back with Ben, he’d slap the shit out of them (actually, he said he’d just be devastated).
45. Surprise!!
Joseph can’t take the gag anymore and reveals himself to them (His dream came true because they were all bowing down to him for mercy). They all do guy hugs, and everything’s cool again. Joe tells his bros to go back home and tell dad what he’s been up to. They go and let Israel know that Joe got himself a cushy government job in Egypt. Pharaoh lets Joe take some time off work.
46. Family Reunion
Israel and the fam come down to Egypt and hang with Joe in the town of Goshan (not related to Dragonball Z). This chapter lists all the members of Israel’s extended family. (I keep forgetting to call Jacob Israel, but they keep switching back and forth in the text.) Israel says he’s ready to die now that he sees that Joe is alright.
47. Recession
Israel and Co. meet the pharaoh and they hang out in the castle for a while, but times are not good for the rest of Egypt. The people have run out of money to buy the food since it’s still drought season. Joseph says that he’ll take their cattle for food, and that lasts for a while until everyone runs out of cows. Then he says he’ll take their land (minus priests) in exchange for food, so thus begins the era of eminent domain. After the gov’t owns all the land, Joe gives everyone seeds to grow stuff with, and the people owe Egypt 20% of whatever they grow.
48. Israel Dies
Israel tells Joseph he’s ready to go and blesses his kids. He wants to be buried up where Abraham and Isaac are.
49. I Never Really Liked You...
Israel, on his deathbed, starts talking trash about some of his sons. He says Reuben’s a good kid but won’t amount to anything because he had sex on daddy’s couch and Simeon and Levi are cruel, angry bastards. The other kids get off easy: Judah will do well, Zebulun will get a bunch of ships, Issachar is a strong ass, Dan gets to judge people, Gad’s going to get beat down, but he’ll eventually prevail, Naphtali is a good dude, and Joseph is the man. Israel dies. :(
50. The End of the Beginning
Joseph asks the pharaoh for some paid leave so he can go bury his dad in that cave they bought a while back. His brothers are worried now that since dad’s dead, Joe might get revenge for the shit they pulled on him. Joseph says it’s cool and not to worry. Joe decides to die, too. He gets entombed in Egypt.
That’s Genesis!
Leviticus
Most of this book is a “how to” manual for life under God. Unless otherwise noted, God is saying all this to Moses up on the mountain where Exodus left off.
Chapter 1. Offering for Dummies - Herds
If you want to make an offering from your herd to me, do a shit load of nit picky things.
These things include killing the animal, making sure it doesn’t have any spots, chopping it up just right, separating the parts, washing them, organizing them on the alter, burning them, seasoning them, flaying them, etc.
2. Offering for Dummies - Meat (Veggies)
If you want to make an offering of veggies to me, do a shit load of nit picky things.
Heavenly Cooking Tips:
Make sure none of these veggies have leaven on them. I hate leaven. Also, make sure you drench everything in salt. I love salt.
3. Offering for Dummies - Peace Offering
If you want to make a peace offering to me, do a shit load of nit picky things.
Heavenly Cooking Tips:
Nix the kidneys and the livers
4. Sinning for Dummies - Oops!
This chapter covers what you can do if you’re an important member of the community when you sin and you either didn’t know it was a sin or you didn’t realize you did it.
If you’re a priest, get a bullock, then slaughter it and spread its blood everywhere. If you’re a ruler, just do the same thing you did to the bullock up there but to a goat, and if you’re a lowly commoner, do all that stuff to a lamb.
5. Sinning for Dummies - Wash Your Face & Hands
If you hear someone swear or you touch an unclean carcass or an unclean person, you have sinned. Here are some tips to get out of it.
God sez!
Cook me a lamb. If you can’t find a lamb, get a couple turtledoves or pigeons. If you can’t find any of those, then bring 10% of the flour you own.
Don’t forget the priest! After the ritual, the priest gets to eat the leftovers.
6. Sinning for Dummies - Lying
If you lie to someone and get stuff (profit) by it, you’ve sinned. Cook God a ram and do all that nit picky shit like the other rituals.
God again goes over some of the finer points of the offering ceremonies in this chapter, too.
7. Healthy Eating
God offers some advice (laws) for eating healthy for the savvy Christian.
God sez!
Don’t eat fat.
Don’t drink blood.
Don’t eat any of the offerings on the 3rd day.
If you’re unclean, don’t eat anything clean, or it will become unclean.
If you eat something that’s been touched by someone who is unclean thus making said item unclean, you are now unclean.
No fucking leavens!!
8. Show Time
God: Hey Moses.
Moses: Yo.
God: Remember all those rules I made about offerings and stuff?
Moses: Yeah?
God: Get Aaron and go do them.
Moses: Alright.
9. Cooking with Moses
Moses and Aaron do up a proper offering ritual for God with all the people hanging out at the tabernacle with them. God lights the alter on fire consuming the offering which scares the shit out of the common people.
10. Hope You Didn’t Like Them
Two of Aaron’s kids get the bright idea to put some incense on the fire, which is a big mistake. BOOM! God smites them DEAD.
Moses talks a shaken Aaron through the rest of the ritual, and God reminds Aaron not to get drunk. Moses tells him to go eat the leftovers while he finishes up.
Aaron’s remaining sons don’t eat the leftovers; that pisses Moses off and he bitches at them. Aaron say, “We screwed up, and I paid for it, so back up off me.” Moses chills.
11. Living for Dummies - Eating
God lists to Moses what to eat and what not to eat. It gets a little convoluted involving feet here.
God sez!
If it’s got a parted hoof, cloven feet, and chews cud, fry it up!
Don’t eat camels, coney, or rabbits because they have cloven feet, chew cud, but don’t have a parted hoof.
Oh, and don’t eat swine because they have cloven feet, a parted hoof, but they don’t chew cud.
Regarding Seafood, if it’s got fish and scales, fry it up!
They have to have fins AND scales. Either/or doesn’t count.
The following birds are on the DO NOT EAT list:
• Eagle
• Ossifrage (should be extinct by 1800AD anyways) (don’t ask what AD means)
• Osprey
• Vulture
• Kite (might not be a bird, do not eat pending further review)
• Raven
• Owl
• Night Hawk
• Cuckoo
• Regular Hawk
• Little Owl
• Cormorant
• Great Owl (levels 21-24)
• Swan
• Pelican
• Gier Eagle
• Stork
• Heron (Charlize is acceptable)
• Lapwing
• Bat (like I need to tell you that one)
• All other birds that “creep, going upon all four” (11:20)
All birds that “have legs above their feet” (11:21) (?) are fair game.
You can even eat locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers if you want.
Other off-limit animals include (but are not limited to):
• Dogs & cats
• Weasels
• Mice
• Turtles (teenage, mutant, or otherwise)
• Ferrets
• Lizards
• Chameleon
• Snail (in your face, rich people!)
• Moles
If one of these animals should fall dead into a hole or some water, that hole or water is unclean and, therefore, unusable. Basically, if it touches anything, that shit’s unclean now. Sorry.
12. Living for Dummies - Women are Filthy
When a woman gives birth to a boy, she is unclean for 7 days. She must have the boy circumcised on the 8th day. Then, she’s on a probationary, half-clean period of 33 days at which time she will make a combo burnt & sin offering of lamb and doves respectively.
When a woman gives birth to a girl, she is unclean for 14 days. After that, she goes on a probationary, half-clean period of 66 days at which time she will make a combo burnt & sin offering of lamb and doves respectively.
Two turtles or two pigeons can be substituted for the lamb as needed.
13. Living for Dummies - So You Think You’ve Got Leprosy
This chapter tells your local priest what to do if someone comes to him with leprosy.
Dr. God sez!
A rule of thumb to remember is look for raw flesh. A person can have leprosy all over his body and be clean, but if that raw flesh creeps up, banish the fucker.
White hair coming out of a white lesion under the skin = leprosy.
Result: He is unclean.
White lesion isn’t too deep in the skin and it doesn’t have a white hair = maybe leprosy.
Result: Quarantine him for 7 days and see if it gets better. Repeat as necessary.
If there’s a lesion on the head or beard:
Yellow hair = leprosy
No hair = 7 days of quarantine
Black hair = good to go
If his hair has fallen out, that’s okay. It just means the man has gone bald.
When regarding bright spots on the skin, the closer towards black it is, the closer he is to leprosy. If a darker spot should get whiter, he’s getting better.
Regarding the patient’s clothes:
If there’s green or red in it, quarantine it for 7 days. If it spreads, burn it. If it hasn’t spread, then wash it, cut out the bad parts, quarantine it for 7 days, and check it again. If it spreads, burn it. If it’s gone, wash it again, and give it back to the patient (if he hasn’t died from the leprosy yet).
14. Living for Dummies – House Calls
Once you’re cleared of having leprosy, a priest will come to your house. You have to do a convoluted trespass/sin offering combo. (This chapter also acts as an income-based offering chart should the family not be able to provide the best ingredients for the offerings.)
If someone thinks there’s plague in the house, they can call a priest to check it out. If there’s red/yellow in the walls, quarantine it for a week; repeat as necessary. If it’s still there, the house has to be demolished. If it’s healed, then do an offering with a couple of birds, and the house is free to go.
15. Living for Dummies – Discharge
If you have any discharge issues from the bottom half of your body, you are unclean. Everything you touch, and everyone that touches you or something you touched is unclean. You have to wash everything/one you had any contact with. Keep washing for 7 days. On the 8th day, you do a sin offering with a priest and two birds. This especially goes for women and their monthly issues.
16. Annual Sin-Reset Party
God tells Moses to tell Aaron to do a whole bunch of sacrificial shit. The list of procedures is huge. If they do this once a year, however, all the sins of all the children of Israel will be forgiven. Aaron gets to work.
17. Club Rules
If you kill an ox, lamb, or goat and you don’t make it an offering, or you offer it to a devil or something, you’re cast out (kicked out of the tribe). If you drink blood of anything, you’re out. When you catch an animal to eat, drain the blood out and cover it with dust. If you happen to eat something that died on its own or something else killed it beforehand, you are unclean. Go wash yourself, and you’ll be clean again.
18. Laws of Sex
Don’t look at any member of your extended family if they’re naked.
Don’t do your neighbor’s spouse.
Don’t be gay.
Don’t do animals or let animals do you.
19. The Miscellaneous Bin of Laws
Fear (respect) your parents.
Don’t worship false gods.
Offer sacrifices willingly.
When it’s harvest time, don’t take everything. Leave a little bit for the poor.
Don’t steal.
Don’t swear at or about me.
Don’t screw over your friends and neighbors.
Don’t fuck with handicapped people.
Don’t judge.
Don’t talk shit about people.
Keep everything pure (don’t mix cow breeds or wear polyblends)
Don’t do a woman that’s already taken.
When you plant stuff, you can’t have it for 5 years.
Don’t trim your hair.
No tattoos or cuts.
Don’t make your daughter a prostitute.
Treat strangers like you’d treat your kids.
Don’t mess up measurements.
20. No Such Thing as a Plea Bargain
Stay within the law and you’ll be good. If you break the law, here are the punishments:
Worship another god (especially Molech) = death by stoning
Cursing parents = death
Adultery = death (both parties involved)
Incest (even with people-in-law) = death
Being gay = death
Bestiality = death
Doing your wife’s mom = death by fire
Being a wizard = death by stoning
Aiding & abetting = cut out of the group
21. So You Want to Be a Priest
Here are some extra special rules if you want to be a priest:
Don’t alter your body in any way (haircuts, tattoos, etc.)
Your wife can’t be a whore. She has to be a virgin.
If your daughter ends up being a whore, you have to kill her with fire.
You can’t have any imperfections or disabilities in either yourself or your family’s history.
22. Let’s Recap
God repeats what he said in previous chapters including offering things that are pure, eat it all in the first and second days, don’t touch unclean things, and don’t let strangers eat the offerings.
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24. Don’t Be Talkin’ Trash
While God is ordering some lamps, an interloper blasphemes the lord’s name! God calls for him to be beaten to death with stones. After that, God tells everyone not to kill people. Unless God says otherwise, deal with crime using the “eye for an eye” principal of punishments.
25. 0% APR Financing
Every 7 years, you’re not allowed to eat what you grow. This is like a mega-Sabbath. After 7 mega-Sabbaths, on the 50th year, there’s to be a jubilee celebration of the Lord.
This 50th year also acts as a benchmark for loan structures when purchasing real estate or people to use as servants. If you own any thing or person belonging to someone else, it goes back to them on that 50th year. If you sell a house within city walls, but you want it back for some reason, you have 1 year to do so. After that, you have to buy it again. Everything (except the houses within city walls) comes back to you on the 50th year. Everything resets to the original owner even if the debt’s not fully paid.
26. Shape Up or Ship Out
If you follow all of these rules, then I will hook you up. I’ll make sure your crops grow well, no beasties come to eat you, and you won’t have to live in fear of anything (except me).
But if you don’t, I will fuck you up 7 times as bad as you sinned. I’ll destroy the land, send in wild beasties to eat your kids, let other people conquer you, make you into cowards, etc, etc. Suffice it to say I’ll do 7 times as many bad things to you if you don’t follow the law than good things if you do follow me.
27. The Value of a Man
If you make a promise, use this handy chart to determine how much it’s worth.
Worth* (in shekels of silver)
Age (in years) Male Female
0-5 5 3
5-20 20 10
20-60 50 30
60+ 15 10
*Adjust worth for magnitude of poorness. Substitute animals or crops when necessary.
God also gets dibs on all firstborn animals that come from clean animals. Don’t forget to give 10% of everything you own to the Lord!
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